Thursday, October 28, 2010

Is that number for real?

Scale said 349 this morning. I didn't even believe it. I thought it might have been because I set it a few inches away from where I normally put it down. So I moved it. Still said the same thing. So I stepped off it and waited for it to reset itself (it's digital). Still said the same thing. And this was before I even did my business this morning which sometimes I wait to do that because I figure the more I can get out of my body before I weigh, right?
And so I reached my goal. Two days before the end date. But, somehow it doesn't really feel like I'm under 350. That means I'm only 6 pounds away from my lowest weight since I started this thing. But I felt different then. Back then I was feeling skinny and healthy and the whole thing felt positive. Now? Well, now I just feel fat and clunky. I feel like my eating hasn't been so hot and I just kinda feel gross. Like when I weighed 378. Except I don't anymore. Ridiculous. I've lost 29 pounds and I don't feel different.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Quite possibly the best invention ever.

Ok, now I know this looks like some weird torture device. Probably even could be if I put my mind to it. :) But I swear it's not. It's actually......dun dun apple peeler corer slicer. Seriously. The box even says that. Which I found amusing because whatever genius came up with this thing couldn't come up with a better name for it other that just describing all the awesomeness it does.
But none of that matters because I woke up this morning and decided to try it out. Having bought it a couple days ago on a whim, not knowing the potential childlike joy I would derive from using it.

First, you got to crank back the handle.

Now, impale your apple upon the fork. (Yes, you can pretend it's someone you don't like, nobody's judging)

Now start cranking that thing back the other way. It helps to have ominous music playing. Feel free to make some with your mouth. I do.

Ahhh, it's starting!! I can hear faint pleas for help from my slowly skinned alive apple.

Keep cranking......

And it's done!

I immediately took a step back this morning when I first did this and said that's awesome. Then picked up the phone and called my mother at 10:30 in the morning to rave about it. The only question she had for me was how much I had had to drink the night before and whether I was still, in fact, drinking. :)

I just can't believe how I ever lived without this thing. I see a lot of apple dishes in my future.

The only question I have is.......

What the hell do I do with all this leftover apple hair?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I heard you were lazy and out of shape

Just checking in for now. I weighed in at 354 this morning. I had a bit of a setback the beginning of the week. I got high and ate a lot of food I shouldn't have. That is such a huge weakness for me and I've been trying to cut back on it. Work was also hectic this week and will be tomorrow as well. My apartment is a mess and I have tons of laundry to do, nevermind the numerous boxes still needing to be gone thru and unpacked. Still.
I keep telling myself that today will be the day I go for a walk or pick up the weights in the basement. But something always comes up, or I'm tired, or I have to work. Excuses, I know, and not very good ones. But I will give myself credit for sticking with writing my food journal. I feel more accountable when I log everything and it shows because I'm still losing weight, however slow that may be.
I bought 2 new sweaters tonight. They are a size 4x and I hate buying new clothes in such a big size but it's unavoidable. I don't have many clothes that fit me right, right now. I would say about 75% of my wardrobe right now hangs in the closet or in my dresser untouched because it either flat out doesn't fit me or looks absolutely horrible on me. So I have to go clothes shopping for winter outfits and that means buying in size 26/28 and 3x/4x. Which I hate because I am trying to lose this weight and spending good money on clothes that (hopefully) won't fit in a few months is frustrating.
It doesn't help that there is basically a complete lack of support from my boyfriend either. He made some hurtful comments recently and I tried explaining how I felt about everything to him. For the most part he will be quiet when I have rough times with food but on the flip side he is also quiet when I have successes. I don't think he really understands what a struggle for me it is. He's never been fat in his life. Which is good for him but doesn't exactly lend me a sympathetic ear.

Ahhh, ok, I'm done whining. I'm going to make a goal. I want to be under 350 by the end of next week. So by October 30th. That's 5 pounds. I can do it. Just no bud. :) Seriously though, I've been dicking around in the 350's long enough. Well, ok it hasn't been that long. I just got into the 350's 11 days ago. But still.
Wish me luck.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

So damn hungry

I got a few things bouncing around in my head I thought about writing about, but the one thing that keeps putting me off is how friggin hungry I am. Now I ate reasonably for the day. I even splurged and ate a footlong from subway for dinner because I finally got paid and I wanted a treat. And you would figure I'd be content and full. But I'm not. I've got this raging hungry monster inside me right now and all it wants is to go eat everything in the kitchen. And all I want to do is just punch this hungry monster in the face. When I think about it, I sort of imagine that little orange creepy mouthless thing on those weight watchers commercials. Seriously, after watching one of those commercials, doesn't anyone get this weird thought that if that thing was really following you around in real life trying to get you to eat cakes and hamburgers, that you wouldn't just turn around and boot the thing across the room? I don't know, maybe it's just me. Hunger makes you think some weird thoughts sometimes. :)
But whatever, because I am down 5 more pounds. Weighed in at 354 this morning. But you know what is seriously more frustrating than anything I can imagine? I have new stretch marks on the sides of my belly. WTF
How can I lose weight and gain stretch marks? It's not fair. Ugly purple stretch marks that will take months and months to fade. That will never be completely gone, just faded silvery marks all over my torso.
It's not fair.
So I'm gonna whine and feel sorry for myself but what I'm not gonna do is eat to make myself feel better. Because I lost 5 pounds since sunday and no stupid stretch mark is going to make that less of an accomplishment than it is. I earned those 5 pounds. I worked for them and now I'm happy to think that I'm only 10 pounds away from my lowest weight back in July.
So I think I'll go make a light snack of cottage cheese and pineapple and effectively kick my hungry monster in the face. :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

359 and counting....

I woke up this morning at 359. Yay me! Creeping back up to the 360's scared me and I'm glad I'm back out of them. I took a little time reading thru my food journal and it's amazing how just looking at a day's entry of food can remind me of what happened that day. Am I that obsessed with food?
It's pretty cold out today, we're finally going to take out the ac's and have to get the heat turned on this week. This summer didn't turn out as great as I was hoping. We didn't do half as much stuff as I wanted to and it felt like it flew by. Here's hoping next summer is better and I'm a slimmer more active person because I would LOVE to do more hiking and swimming and biking and anything else you can imagine. There's a place up here called monkey trunks and my boyfriend wanted to go there. It's a ropes obstacle course, something I would love to do, but I have this fear they'll tell me no because of my weight. So put that on the list of stuff I can do when I'm smaller. I got probably the next 9 months to work on that.
Well, I'm off to do some serious housecleaning and get some grocery shopping done for the next week of healthy eating. :) Hope everyone has a great day.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The hardest part is starting

 I started again yesterday. I steamed my veggies, cooked my chicken, and packed my cooler for the day. Was not especially difficult but it's hard getting the motivation to start. I found my food journal I was keeping this summer when I cleaned out my truck. The last entry I had in it was for July 23 and I weighed exactly 350.
Fast foward over 2 months and I weighed 362 today. Not going to let it get me down though.
I also haven't gotten high in maybe a week and a half. That's a tough one. I like smoking weed, it helps me to relax and I feel happier after I've come off my high. But it's extremely difficult not to want to eat lots of munchies and I can never really control how much or even remember exactly what I eat when I do. So that's a bad trigger for me I suppose, I just can't help it. Am I the only one with this problem?
In any case I haven't lately, and these past 2 days I've been focusing on what I eat again. I'm going to be psyched when I see 344 again. And I'm going to pay more attention to my little blog. I'd like make a goal of posting on here at least twice a week. Yup, sounds good to me.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

There it is.

I updated my weight loss chart with my new weight. I took out the scale this morning and stepped on and strangely, although I have gained, I am not so unhappy. Spoiler alert............I weighed 360. That's still 17 pounds less than when I first started this thing. Although that is also 16 more than my lowest weight back in July. Sucks.

My diet has been horrendous and I've not exercised much at all this summer. I'm lucky to have not gained more I suppose. I need to start eating better and keeping track again because of....well...........because of a lot of things. Because it's getting cooler out and I took out my jeans from the closet and half of them don't fit. Because I wake up and my face is puffy and I don't even recognize myself anymore. Because we bought new patio furniture and I can't sit right in it for fear the chair might bend or the fabric tear. Because I couldn't even play a game of paintball right last weekend because I was so out of breath running around my mask fogged up and I couldn't see. Because..........well, you get the idea. Being fat bites.
So I'm going to try this again. And part of me thinks, how many more times am I going to be writing these same words in the future? How many times am I going to fall down, maybe whine a bit, roll around, and finally kick myself back up? As many as it takes. Because I hate being fat. I guess everyone hates being fat but I loathe it. I loathe myself sometimes. It's hard to admit that but I do. But it's even harder to sit where I am and not do anything. I'm halfway thru my 20's and these have not been the best years of my life. They should be goddamnit.
In any case there's my update. I appreciate the support.

Friday, August 6, 2010

yea I'm still here

Things have definitely fallen off track. Since my last post we have packed, moved, and halfway unpacked everything into our new apartment. I also came down with a really bad case of pink eye, pretty much all of last week was miserable. And now that's a few hundred more in bills I didn't need or want. Thankfully it is getting better.
I have been eating so much fast food these past couple of weeks, I'm really kind of ashamed. I'm not even sure what I weigh right now, the scale is packed away somewhere. I wouldn't be surprised if I was back up to 360 or even more, god forbid. Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. So I'm not going to. At least not for now.

Friday, July 23, 2010

I never did like Dr. Phil.....

Well, this week kinda sucked. I've only made half hearted attempts at eating well. Wedsnday was the worst, I basically ate fast food all day and there wasn't even any healthy fast food. It was just junk. Not really too sure what was going on with that. It sucks too because before I left to go camping last week I weighed in at 344. I had good intentions when we set up camp. We even went to the grocery store and I bought salads and ground bison and veggies. But then I started having some beer. And I like beer, a lot, so that led to some more beer. And some more until I was finally pretty drunk. But it was a good time. Always is, isn't it? And even that wouldn't have been so bad, but we went to bed late and got woken up early. I was still kinda drunk. So Sunday wasn't good because I was tired and didn't want to deal with making healthy foods. I also didn't write down anything I ate, which I think made it worse. In any case, the rest of the week I just couldn't seem to get back on track. I currently weighed in at 350 this morning. So at least I hadn't gone way off board but I am pretty pissed with myself.
So today I'm starting fresh. I will make all my meals before I leave to go to work. And that's the end of that.
We signed the lease papers for the apartment and now we're just waiting to get the keys so we can start moving. Things have been stressful financially. We don't really have any furniture or a washer and dryer. That was actually supposed to be something we were going to go buy sometime this week/weekend but Mike's truck is turning out to have some repair problems that aren't cheap. And even that wouldn't be so bad but I had to go buy 4 new tires for my truck because one blew last week. Well, I didn't HAVE to buy all 4 at once, but I didn't see the sense of buying 2 new ones in a size I didn't want or the tire I didn't want. So now I have 4 new ones, significantly bigger and pretty sweet. I wouldn't give them back even now with our tight money situation. I'll have to take pictures. :)

Really, 350? Damn beer.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Well at least it's something....

It's been a whole week since I last posted. Don't get me wrong I come on here every day, checking my blog, reading other people's blogs. I think about posting, but then I just don't. I don't know what's holding me back, some kind of writers block I guess. But either way, here I am.
I lost 2 pounds this week. I weigh 345 now. I feel like I haven't really lost anything, but now that I look I see that yes, I did lose 2 pounds. So at least that's something.
I think we've found a new place to live. It's a nice townhouse and it's within our budget. Mike is going over today to put a deposit on it and hopefully we can start moving in next week. I'm not too crazy about finding new places to live so I think we kind of settled on this one. But it really is nice and I think I'll like it. In any case it's only a year lease.
Oh and I bought a breadmaker this week. Kinda psyched about that one. I found it on craigslist barely used for $20, and it came with manual and cookbook! I already tried it, making a tomato and bacon bread. Which came out alright, but not as awesome as I thought. Partly user error, I added cold water and didn't use the right tomatoes. The next one I will try for is some herb bread with herbs picked fresh out of my garden. Mmmm.
Well, that's about all that went on this week. We're going camping tomorrow so hope everyone's weekend is fun. :)

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Put that in your pipe and smoke it

Cuz I woke up this morning weighing 347, which means I've lost 30 pounds! And that was even after I ate breakfast and drank my water. I was pretty stoked today. I thought about it all day. I'm just happy to be under 350 again. I put on a pair of jeans that I bought back in March and they fit without squeezing me to death. They are still a size 26 ( for now) but I don't care. I couldn't fit right in them a month ago.

Life is kind of hectic right now for me, we are in the midst of trying to find a new place to live. Between that and work and trying to keep up with couponing ( yea I coupon, hardcore!) and everything in between, my stress level is not exactly, well, level. I still do my best to eat well, but lately, I haven't been eating as much. I should be getting more vegetables and dairy. Well, everything really, but I've been slacking on the veggies most.
Although I'm also happy to finally start getting some peas out of my garden. Everything else is doing awesome and I couldn't ask for better weather so far this year. Which is a relief from the rainy, cool, crappy summer we had last year.

I thought I'd post a recipe I've made a lot lately. It's from oxygen magazine, couple years back. I love reading oxygen because I think it portrays women with more guts than fluffy fitness magazines. Plus they come up with some good clean eating recipes.

Clean Eating Meatloaf

1 lb lean ground turkey (I use 93 or 94% lean)
1/2 cup old fashioned oats
1 cup salsa
3 egg whites
I pkg. dried vegetable soup mix, (I use lipton's)

Mix it all together and place in loaf pan or baking dish. Bake for about 1 hour @375 degrees or until done.

I cut it into 4 pieces, but you can cut it into 8. I used sparkpeople's recipe analyzer and it came up with this. For 1/4 of the recipe - 225 calories, 8.8 grams fat, 27 grams protein, 10 grams carbs.

MMMM So good! Not even joking, my boyfriend is not a big fan of some of the healthier things I cook up but this is one of the things he actually liked and came back for more later on. It comes out so moist from the salsa and has tons of flavor, even some fiber from the oats. Yea, bet you didn't think there would be fiber in a meatloaf, huh? I'd post a picture but there's none left so it'll have to wait until I make some more. :)

Hope everyone's having a good weekend. :)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Yea it's me.
There's Mike.

And there's our fish. Mackerel to be exact.

It was such stressful day. We were supposed to go for a half day of fishing but we got a late start and traffic was horrible. We ended up missing the boat by 5 minutes. I was so mad. And on top of it it was so hot, in the 90's I was just crabby. But they did 2 hour night fishing so that's what we ended up doing. It was definitely the best day to do it though. The sunset was gorgeous.

We ate at a restaurant afterwards, which has the best clam chowder ever, only we didn't get the clam chowder because they were out. Which sucked! The waitress talked us into getting the lobster bisque which was bad and I didn't finish mine. I had grilled swordfish and steamed green beans with a salad on the side. Which was supposed to make up for the fact that I had crab rangoons and an egg roll as a snack on the boat earlier. :)
But I guess I didn't do too bad, I woke up on Tuesday weighing 349. Today I was up to 350 but I'm not stressing. I'm still down from my last post. I'm still kinda amazed I've lost almost 30 pounds just by changing my diet. I haven't added any exercise since I started eating better, I just go about my normal business. Although that will change soon, I've been looking at bikes, thinking about getting one. When I used to live in Concord I didn't have a vehicle, and instead rode my bike everywhere I needed to go. It was a pain sometimes, but I was also in better shape too.

Anyways, HELLO to people who have stopped by to check me out. It feels kind of weird now knowing that someone else is reading what I write. Honestly, your the first ones since I started. So umm, hope you like it and what not. I'll try not to be whiny and boring, but I can't make any guarantees. :)

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Oh yea fishing!

I weighed in at 351 this morning. I'm pretty happy about that. I might even have to make a new goal for July. I've noticed my t-shirts starting to feel a little looser. Before I had to stretch them before I wore them to make them feel like they fit right. Now I can just slip them on no problem. That's nice.
We're going deep sea fishing tomorrow! I wanted to do something fun for this weekend and Mike agreed so I made reservations to go out on a boat. I can't wait. I've always wanted to go deep sea fishing and the weather is supposed to be perfect for it. I hope I catch something huge and I will definitely be taking pictures. I'll be sure to post them up here. :)
Well this is just a short post, I still have to go grocery shopping and such. Hope everyone had a good 4th!

Monday, June 28, 2010


So the wedding on Sunday was very nice. It was fun and I even got Mike to dance with me, although it took a lot of coaxing. He is so not the dancing type but I know he had fun. :) I did end up drinking 3 newcastles but the food was actually very light, which was nice. I had a few appetizers, lamb and some salmon on crackers. Then a glass of lemonade. The lunch was salad, corn on the cob, rice pilaf, and 3 different kebobs. Shrimp, chicken and beef with vegetables. I tried a small slice of cake but didn't eat the frosting. I suppose it would have been alright if it had just been that all day, but I don't know. I didn't write anything down in my food journal since breakfast that morning, and I think I just figured I could cheat a bit for the day. Bad idea.

I ate very off plan after we got home last night. Lots of junk and I drank some more lemonade which was very sugary. And then this morning I ate a normal breakfast, yogurt and granola. Lunch was soup and sandwich. And then I just went off plan again. I made myself turkey burgers for dinner, which was alright, but I put 2 slices of full fat cheese on them. And the I ate some of the shells and hamburg that his mom cooked. And then I ate even more of it. And drank 2 cokes. I didn't log a single thing in my journal today. I didn't eat a single fruit or vegetable today. I actually got a headache earlier and felt pretty tired today, which I'm sure was contributed by the high fat and sugar foods I've been eating. After eating so well, (well basically) for the past month, it makes me mad that I would just fall off like this. I know it happens. I know I should just pick myself up and continue where I left off. I know all this but I'm still afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and continue on this binge.
But you know what? I'm not going to let that happen. I weighed 355 yesterday, and all I keep doing is thinking about that number. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and whatever that number is, I'll just have to work with it. I can get through this hiccup. I am placing a goal of being under 350 by the end of July.

Yea. I can do that. I know I can. :)

That is a picture of me last May. Longer hair of course. It was actually taken at the top of a fire tower overlooking Rochester. I was terrified, I hate heights and that was an incredibly high tower. I was gripping that rail for dear life, lol.
But if I can do that, and actually I've made myself climb lots of high places, I can do this. It's all a matter of patience, will power and confidence.
Yay me, I'm all about the happy crap today huh? :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hitting the wall

It feels like I've been stuck for the past week or so. My weight fluctuates between 356 and 358. It's incredibly frustrating. I know I shouldn't expect big losses all the time, but it was easier to keep eating well when I saw the scale keep going down. Even right now I'm typing this and all I want to do is go into the kitchen and find something to eat. Something junky.
I need to prepare more of my own food instead of just grabbing things on the run. That's become a bit of a habit lately. It's easier for me to grab some chili from wendy's and a baked potato, than to cut up all my vegetables, fruits, and meats to take with me from home. Although it's not necessarily bad it's still not what I should be eating. Nobody said this would be easy. It's damn hard though!

I went to the farmer's market today. Picked up some gorgeous red chard as well as a round zucchini,(it was cute!) and some fresh garlic. I would have loved to get some peas but everyone had sold out by the time I got there. :( Next time I s'pose.

I'm going to a wedding this sunday, which means I need a new outfit. Not really looking foward to finding one, it'll probably take me forever to find something decent and cost me an arm and a leg. Why is it plus size clothing has to cost so much? Especially for something that doesn't look like you wearing a tent or comes in granny styles. Even more incentive for me to lose this weight. My wardrobe for the past couple years have consisted of t-shirts and jeans or shorts. Not exactly stylish. Anyway, that's my to do tomorrow. Or rather today, I am up pretty late. :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

When does.....

it stop being water weight and start being fat? That's what I've been wondering lately. And how would you really know anyway? I weighed in at 358 this morning. I'm still eating well and haven't given in to any of the bad cravings I get. Which have been bad, let me tell you.
I putzed around walmart the other night, I had to pick up new headlights and I was bored. This was a super walmart which means it had grocery and I was nibbly so I decided to find a snack. Not the best idea, but I was good. I did pick up a 4 pack of some fat free chocolate snack packs. That pudding really got to me. I was going to choose the sugar free kind, it had 10 less calories and no sugar than the fat free, so good right? Not.
The sugar free had an ingredient list that was crazy, so much processed junk and things I didn't even know what. The fat free was pretty simple, at least I knew what each of the ingredients were and there were relatively few. I also picked up some sugar snap peas to munch on the ride home and I had one pudding cup when I got home. I hadn't eaten chocolate in weeks so it tasted so good.

I don't follow any strict kind of eating plan. I try to eat unprocessed foods, lots of vegetables and fruit. I like starting out my day with fruit smoothies. Usually I throw in a couple different types of fruit, maybe a banana, 6-7 strawberries and 1/2 cup of orange juice. Or blueberries, kiwis, raspberries, or mango. Love mango. Then I top it with a scoop of protein powder, I like designer whey vanilla, it's only 100 calories a scoop. Some ice and I blend it all. Good mix of carbs and protein, plus I knock out some servings of fruit for the day.
I do weigh all my food and I have a food journal I write everything in, although I don't count calories. I've done that in the past, and I might have to do it in the future, when I hit plateaus. But not now, I'm trying to get a feel for what my body needs, plus if I want to it'd be easy because everything is written down.
I drink fruit and vegetable juices, milk, teas, and water. One of my favorite teas is honest tea, very lightly sweetened. I haven't been drinking beer, which is very hard. I've always loved my beer. :(  There's a new beer out, bud select 55, it only has 55 calories a bottle. I've thought about trying it, but I don't know. I drink beer because of flavor, not calories.


Friday, June 11, 2010

Second Harvest

Well, I was gone for a few days and when I came back to the house I found these waiting for me! When I left only one of them looked like they were turning red and I'm sure Mike ate that one. They smell so sweet and delicious. mmmmm

I'm still eating on track here, in fact I hopped on the scale this morning and saw 358. So down a few more pounds. I'm glad to be out of the 360's. Hopefully I never see those numbers again.

I had an awful craving last night. I found out my work schedule has changed and I lost quite a few hours. I worry a bit about my job and it caught up with me. I was driving home and had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some veggies and things. I was a little hungry when I went in which made it worse. I started thinking about how I could just pick up a snack which turned into thinking about junk food. And then I started thinking about my job and I got really down on myself. Thoughts like I can eat something junky, I've been eating so well lately. And I deserve something because I'm pissed about my job. And would it really make a difference if I ate some bad stuff? Just for tonight? It was a little hard but I stuck to what I came in the store for, although I did splurge and get some bison meat. The thoughts didn't go away though even into the parking lot. I just felt so stressed and even thought about smoking when I got home. But then I thought that if I was high it's extremely difficult not to eat, especially not junk food, and that stuff is just all over the house. I think that's what stopped me, just the thought of bingeing out of control. And when I got home I made a bowl of 3 turkey meatballs and some sauce and I felt better.
It's hard fighting myself. I'm usually pretty good with my self control even when I have other people trying to shoot me down. I don't even think they realize it. Like the other day I was at my mom's house. She and my brother and I were in the kitchen and they were going on and on about how good these chips were that they were eating. They kept offering me to try them and I resisted, it actually wasn't that hard. But it's just being around it, it chips away at your self confidence. And then later I was sitting on the couch with my stepfather and he was asking me what kind of new diet plan I was on that would have me drinking a gallon of water a day. And this was because I had a gallon jug that I was drinking out of, which I buy simply because it's easier than buying multiple small bottles and cheaper, although by no means do I try to drink a gallon a day. At least not yet. :) But I felt like I had to defend it. Which is infuriating thinking about it now, because who's business is it if I want to drink a gallon of water a day or not. Leave me alone!

It feels a little better getting it out, at least there is this. Who else would I have to bitch about stupid things like that? Without feeling all whiney anyway. Anyways, have a good day people. :)

Monday, June 7, 2010

First Harvest!

Well, technically not the first, I ate a strawberry yesterday that had ripened. But still cool. Everything in the garden is coming along nicely and I'm happy. We are trying for a completely organic garden this year. Last year was mostly organic, I used miracle gro, which I'm not completely sure is organic. Anyway, it's doing well.

I've kept on track with eating well. I'm down to 362 today, which means I've lost 15 pounds since May 25th. I feel a bit better, not so bloated, so I think a good chunk of that was water weight, if not all of it.

This is previously said picture of me with my grandmother. I was happy in the picture and I love that dress, but seeing it after the fact just makes me ashamed. It was a surprise party for her and I know she was in shock from seeing so many people she hadn't seen in a long time. I don't think she truly recognized me for a good 10 minutes. I can even remember thinking that it must be because of how fat I've become.

I will lose this weight, it's hard and I don't have much support. But I do a lot of things on my own without help and I know I can do this. Hopefully down the road I will find some support and I'm sure that will help me. I think it's really hard to face what you've become when you become this overweight. Obese really. I've become morbidly obese, which I think I think is just an ugly term. I hate thinking that that is what I am, I've told myself for years that I was never THAT fat. There are always other people bigger than me. And it's no longer true. I think just because I'm mobile and have a life and don't let the weight keep me from doing things that I want, I ignored it. I ignored it for a long time. But the pictures tell a different story. I AM that fat person and it's heartbreaking. It's also starting to cause me some health problems which I also try to ignore. A few days ago I had chest pains for a good hour. I was by myself at home and contemplated going to the hospital. I ultimately decided not to and instead took a bunch of aspirin. Eventually the pains went away but it scares me to think what those pains might be. I've had them in the past and since I don't have insurance have never checked them out. Instead, I take aspirin and try not to think about it. I know, not the best solution. And that's just another part of why I need to get rid of this excess weight.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to change my diet. I eat so much vegetables it get tiring. I try to eat only lean meats, dairy and whole grains. It's hard sometimes being in the house and around my boyfriend because there is so much junk food lying around. He does not watch what he eats and he doesn't really need to because he is of a normal weight. Lucky.
Anyway today is beautiful, and I should really go enjoy it and get out from behind this computer. :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


What the hell do you do with daikon? I swear, I found some at the grocery market for cheap, like 40 cents or something for this big white thing and I don't really know what to do with it. I'm roasting it now because I can't think of anything better to do with it. Kinda don't want to eat it raw, it doesn't really taste like anything. Tried looking on the internet for recipes and a lot came back for pickling it. Like I got the friggen time for that.

In another stupid me moment this morning, I was making a smoothie for breakfast and decided to throw in a plum I had kicking around. Forgetting that it had a pit in it and wondering why the blender was making bad noises. Ruined the whole thing and had to throw it out. Sigh.

My garden is doing well at least. Peas, watermelons, and cucumbers and still coming up. Hopefully my tomatos fare better than last years. I'm excited about the strawberries and herbs though. We're going to have so many strawberries soon, I can't wait.

The pic is me at the beginning of May holding the first bass I caught this year.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Yup, this is it.

So this was pretty easy. I always thought making a blog would be some kind of difficult or maybe I was just too lazy to find out. Probably the latter. I'm a pretty lazy person.

Well I'm Jovia and I'm fat. I've been fat my whole life and I guess I need to do something about it. Just another fat people blog, yay me. I guess I'll have to think about where I wanna take this thing. I was kinda hoping it would turn out to be this great motivator and people would be supportive and all that cuz I don't really have that kind of thing going on in my life. But whatever. It is what is is.

So ok, I started doing the healthy eating thing again about a week ago, started out at 377 pounds. I know, damn, that's a lot. What the frig. Anyway, I started it back up cuz we had just come back from vacation down in Florida, where I ate nothing but fast food for a week straight. Pretty bad. We took a bunch of pictures and all my pictures make me look horrible. There was one picture I took with my grandmother, I looked like a huge fat giant standing next to this little old woman, it was bad moment to look at that.

Yeah I should post that one.

Anyway, I'm hungry (story of my life) so I'm gonna go try to find something healthy to eat for lunch, maybe go weigh myself.