Friday, June 11, 2010

Second Harvest

Well, I was gone for a few days and when I came back to the house I found these waiting for me! When I left only one of them looked like they were turning red and I'm sure Mike ate that one. They smell so sweet and delicious. mmmmm

I'm still eating on track here, in fact I hopped on the scale this morning and saw 358. So down a few more pounds. I'm glad to be out of the 360's. Hopefully I never see those numbers again.

I had an awful craving last night. I found out my work schedule has changed and I lost quite a few hours. I worry a bit about my job and it caught up with me. I was driving home and had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some veggies and things. I was a little hungry when I went in which made it worse. I started thinking about how I could just pick up a snack which turned into thinking about junk food. And then I started thinking about my job and I got really down on myself. Thoughts like I can eat something junky, I've been eating so well lately. And I deserve something because I'm pissed about my job. And would it really make a difference if I ate some bad stuff? Just for tonight? It was a little hard but I stuck to what I came in the store for, although I did splurge and get some bison meat. The thoughts didn't go away though even into the parking lot. I just felt so stressed and even thought about smoking when I got home. But then I thought that if I was high it's extremely difficult not to eat, especially not junk food, and that stuff is just all over the house. I think that's what stopped me, just the thought of bingeing out of control. And when I got home I made a bowl of 3 turkey meatballs and some sauce and I felt better.
It's hard fighting myself. I'm usually pretty good with my self control even when I have other people trying to shoot me down. I don't even think they realize it. Like the other day I was at my mom's house. She and my brother and I were in the kitchen and they were going on and on about how good these chips were that they were eating. They kept offering me to try them and I resisted, it actually wasn't that hard. But it's just being around it, it chips away at your self confidence. And then later I was sitting on the couch with my stepfather and he was asking me what kind of new diet plan I was on that would have me drinking a gallon of water a day. And this was because I had a gallon jug that I was drinking out of, which I buy simply because it's easier than buying multiple small bottles and cheaper, although by no means do I try to drink a gallon a day. At least not yet. :) But I felt like I had to defend it. Which is infuriating thinking about it now, because who's business is it if I want to drink a gallon of water a day or not. Leave me alone!

It feels a little better getting it out, at least there is this. Who else would I have to bitch about stupid things like that? Without feeling all whiney anyway. Anyways, have a good day people. :)

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