2012 is going to be so way better than 2011!

Starting all over again. Everybody should get second chances. And third.....and fourth. Lol. I actually jumped the gun on this one and started my journey again two days after Christmas. I want this to work so bad. I feel like I've found my motivation, my drive, or at least enough of it to keep me going. I toyed with the idea of waiting until Jan. 1st to begin and scrapped it because waiting just makes no sense when it comes to your health. I have been treating my body horribly and it's about time that stopped. I have also missed blogging and believe me, I have thought about it almost every day since my last post in November.
When I started again I was back up to 357. A gain of 12 pounds. So that's that. Luckily I write my weight down every day in my food journal. So I can see when I started going off track. I actually continued being 345 until 11-23. After that I stopped writing consistently in my journal and there are only 4 entries between 11-23 and 12-27. Which showed me hovering around 351-353. Ok, so lots of numbers, I know. My current weight as of 12-31 is 350.  I have no doubt it will be less tomorrow morning as I stayed on track very well eating wise.
So what's my plan this time? Or do I even have one? Well, no, I have nothing written in stone. Basically I am following what worked for me before. Tracking my eating via food journal, measuring everything I eat, eating more veggies and fruits, very little junk food, and being consistent. I try not to allow myself in situations where I do not have control over food choices, but if that is inevitable, then I make good choices before and after so as not to slip up so much. It's hard, I won't deny that, but I need to do it for myself.
I feel like my state of mind is in a better place now. I am taking a multivitamin, fish oil, and st. john's wort every night before bed. The st john's wort is helping me with my depression, at least I'm hoping it is. A positive state of mind can't hurt right? I'm also on birth control pills now. That's something I recently started, on Nov 28th. I actually started them, not because I don't want a child, but because I was having major issues with my period. I know this isn't something everyone likes to talk about, or hear about, but I'm writing this now in case there's other women out there like me. When I started taking the pills I was already going on 2 and 1/2 weeks of having a period. This wasn't the first time I've had abnormally long periods. I've had irregular periods since I was 18 but it's only been in the past 2 years that I've started having abnormally heavy and long ones. Followed by months where I wouldn't get one. When I started eating healthier and losing weight last year, I got my first normal period in a long time. I actually started to even out and become regular. This issue of mine has been a huge stress for me for years. And of course, since I have no medical insurance, I have no way of knowing what's wrong. However, when I stopped eating healthy and started gaining the weight back, they have gotten out of control again. I believe that my weight plays a large part in this issue. Anyways, I started taking the pill at the end of Nov. and my period didn't stop until last week. I am hoping taking the pill and losing weight/eating healthier will help me become normal. Having PCOS has crossed my mind a lot among several other things. Which of course weight plays into hugely. But again, no insurance equals not knowing what's wrong. I am lucky to have found a family planning clinic that bases it's fees on a sliding scale so that I can get the pills and finally have someone to talk about my fears with. Because I do have fears, especially about not being able to have kids. If it was the sex, I should've had 4 or 5 kids by now, but I don't. I hope and hope it is just my weight holding me back from that. So there's that. It's terrifying to put that out there but it feels good to get that off my chest. Another reason to stick with weight loss.
So besides the eating, of which I've been doing well, there's exercise. I'm excited about the new weight machine I got for Christmas. it's got cables and pulleys and everything. :) I started doing some workout tapes a few days ago, but I had to take the past 2 days off because I overdid it. Back to it tomorrow. Or I might take a walk outside.
So I'm feeling a lot better about things and this is definitely going to be the better year for me. I can feel it. I think tomorrow I'll write some more about my goals for myself this years. They're not necessarily resolutions or related to weight loss. Just things I want to do to better my life as a whole.

Makin it work

Felling pretty good about things lately. I weighed 345 this morning. :) I can dig that. I was so hungry last night, it didn't seem to matter what I ate I was still hungry for more. Frustrating. I ate fruit and no sugar added tapioca, drank a lot of water and finally gave up and went to bed. I hate when I can't seem to get full even though I've eaten enough filling food. But something must be working because the scale is still going down. I plan on going for a walk in a bit. It's low 60's out right now, which is actually decent for New Hampshire nowadays. I wish the sun would come back out though, it seems like forever since I've seen it.

I found out my dog was put down on Saturday. It was very unexpected and I'm sad about it. We got him when I was about 13, and even though I haven't lived at home for awhile now, he was still my buddy whenever I went to visit there. :( Still upset about it. It feels like another part of my family is gone now. One of my brothers moved south 2 years ago, another is somewhere out west and haven't spoken to him in months. A third still lives up here, but he's on the road a lot for his job. Now my dog is gone and all that's left up here is my mom and stepfather. I know, things change, and people move on. But I feel a little lost.

Anyways, that's what's going on right now. Eating has been good, work is alright, and Mike went back to work. Which is great, he gets out of the house now and doesn't drive me crazy. And the money helps too. Well I'm off, otherwise I'll never get anything done.

Food and other stuff

Such a yucky rainy day over here. I hate november rain. But despite the miserable day outside, everything is going fairly sunny with the weight loss. :) I weighed in at 347 this morning. I started writing in my food journal again. Which, while it is extremely helpful in accountability, can also be a huge pain in the ass. Sometimes you just get sick of writing down every little thing you eat, ya know? Anyways, started that again on halloween day no less. No candy for me btw. Start weight on 10-31 was 357. I was actually starting to lose a little weight before I put the effort into tracking what I eat. Again. I'm happy with the loss though. Noticed a slight difference in how my clothes are fitting. Another good sign right? I'll take all I can get. No exercise really right now. Planning on working on that.
I've been also trying to get up earlier. Being in a funk where I don't wake up until noon or later gets old quick when the sun goes down in late afternoon now. I've laid off the weed quite a bit. Only gotten high a couple times in the past month or so. Once was the halloween party I went to, other was at home. Btw, I made my halloween costume completely by hand, pretty proud of it, I'll have to see if I can find a pic of it somewhere. I was dorothy from the wizard of oz. Sadly the shoes did not make it thru the night. We had a freak snowstorm and the glitter glue on the shoes started coming apart(yes I made the shoes too!).
Which brings me to the next project I'm working on. A new winter coat. Have you noticed how much plus size winter coats go for? Outrageous! And I'm not even talking about nice ones either. So I have a pattern for a nice lined pea type coat which I really need to get a move on. Winter is fast approaching. I've really started to get back into sewing the past couple months. Plus size clothes are expensive and hard to find something that fits well and doesn't make you look.........matronly. I'm only 26 for christs sake. On the other hand, I'm trying to lose this weight as well and it's simply not in my budget to buy clothes all the time. So look out soon for pics of this awesome new coat I intend to make. :)

I made the shells and cheese recipe featured on the cover. Delicious. The filling was goat cheese, ricotta, egg whites, mint, corn, and parsley. The sauce was a roasted red pepper sauce. Unfortunately don't have a pic of it, made it last week and it's long gone now. :) Future note however, don't use quite so much parsley as it says.

Today for lunch I made some pita pizzas. Quite excited about the pitas I found.

Only 60 calories apiece, yay.

Finished product, mmmmm. I took 2 pitas, covered the with 1/2 cup classico sweet basil sauce(leftover in fridge), topped with 4 oz diced sweet onions, 5 oz chopped roasted chicken breast, and 1.75 oz of mozzarella cheese. 600 calories total for both pitas. They were loaded and quite filling. I had a small breakfast this morning, otherwise I might have only made one. Or I still might have made two but put less toppings. Easy, healthy and a good way to get rid of leftovers :)

                                                                         Bon appetit!

Why does it seem so hard to take the first step?

It's not like I don't know how to do it. It's not like I haven't done it before. So why does it seem like this great invisible barrier is knocking me on my ass everytime I try to break this cycle? I know I haven't posted in a long time, almost 3 and a half months! I have been struggling that entire time with making the right choices that I should be making. I have gained back almost all the weight I have ever lost. I am floating between 361 and 368 lately. Not many of my clothes fit correctly now and I only have myself to blame. So what else can I tell you while I'm on this pity train.
I broke up with Mike. Which can be and still is extremely stressful in light of the fact that we still live together. There is a lot going on with that whole.....situation that I don't really want to get in depth with right now. Suffice to say, that has certainly not helped with my self esteem and general mental health. Not that I'm entirely unhappy now, don't get me wrong. It feels like a load has been taken off me now that I am unattached.
I'm grateful to the people who do update their blogs consistently, it helps when I read others struggles and triumphs. I spent last night looking at photos of myself from the past year or so. There have not been many pictures of me this year at all. I have avoided the camera with a vengeance and for good reason. I looked at these pictures, some from my trip to Florida last year, some from another trip up north last fall, and it feels like I'm looking at someone I don't know. You know how anorexics will look at themselves and see nothing but an obese person? I feel like I'm the opposite. I AM obese. But I look at myself in the mirror and just don't see how bad it is. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the sad and frustrated overweight person looking back at me. But most of the time, even though I see how I'm overweight, I just don't think it's that bad.
Then I look at pictures of myself, and I see it. There's no way I can miss it. How can I look in the mirror and see one thing and then take a picture and see something entirely different? Self image is a tricky little fucker.

Florida trip, at least 377 probably more. I am not much below that right now.

Another one, just a day after the first. It was my face that really made me stop and just go, wtf. Seriously. What the fuck.

Kinda self explanatory.

Anyways, I'm just pointing this out. I feel like I hide a lot of how I feel and issues related to my weight. I hate, hate, hate letting people know I am trying to lose weight. I don't know why. It's not like they don't know I'm fat, lol. It just bothers me and I guess it shouldn't so much. When I look at these pictures I understand the times Mike told me he wasn't attracted to me. I wouldn't be attracted to me. I would look at me and think, oh great, another fat person. Awesome huh? A fatty hating on other fatties.
I don't know. I can't keep doing this. So welcome back to me, let's get the ball rolling this week. :)

I'm still here. Am dealing with a lot of negative feelings about myself, my weight, things in general. I'm having a really hard time picking myself up this time. Meanwhile all my clothes have gotten tight again and I've gained back a lot of weight. Which only serves to make me more depressed about the situation and I eat, so much, so very much, to try and feel something. I don't know how to fix my thinking so that this weight loss becomes important again. Feeling pretty lost right about now.

Wooooooooooooooooooo

Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car. Bought a car! Bought a car! Bought a car! Bought a car! Bought a car! Bought a car! Did I mention I bought a car? :)

I don't know what the hell I'm doing to myself

But it needs to fuckin stop. That last post? Where I said I was going to quit it, to get back on track, stop fucking around. It didn't really happen. I halfheartedly started last week only to screw up later in the day and eat junk. I'm ashamed to say just how much I've been eating, nevermind the quality of food. Things like chocolates, beer, chips, lots of fast food, and just ridiculous amounts of food. It's like I can't get full enough. I am making myself sick. I have probably gained close to 12 pounds....in a week and a half!! I've noticed clothes that were getting loose are now getting snug. I feel puffy and stiff in the mornings. And I hate it. I don't know why I'm not getting it back to the way it was before. So that's my update. It sucks.

It happened

Well, I did it this weekend. I went off plan with my eating, not sure if it was because it's been on my mind so much or what. Did a lot of eating out, though I tried to be mindful of how much and how badly I was eating. Kinda stopped writing in my food journal too. Started out good today but then we went out to eat again, and I ate more than I probably should have. I weighed 335 this morning, so the damage isn't showing but I need to stop this path right now, or it will. I'm actually not feeling particularly bad, considering the range of foods I've eaten this weekend. So, I'm taking it all in stride and starting tomorrow as I normally do.
Still in the process of finding a car, we went to see several cars this past weekend. I'm hoping to find something I can buy outright, but damn does the used car market suck. Mike keeps suggesting getting financed for a new-ish car, and I'm starting to think maybe I should try. I've never had a car loan before though, and I'm not even sure I could qualify due to bad decisions I made when I was younger and have not fully cleared. I've got to get something though. I've been using Mike's truck for work since the beginning of February and I really just need to have my own car.
Almost bought a bike tonight. Seriously thinking about going back and buying it anyway. It didn't look too bad, I liked it, and it was on sale. Anyway I got to go to bed. Got to get up at the crack ass of dawn, dontcha know. :)

Feeling much better

It was a pretty rough day yesterday and it took me a long time to write yesterday's post. I kept thinking about my life, and my weight loss, and mike, and food, and my family, and everything else I deal with and I just kept getting mad. At everything. Life's not fair, so cliche, but true. The only person who's going to make it happen is me. No one else. I can either be this miserable self loathing person, because I have this problem to deal with or...I can deal with it and make the best of what I'm capable of right now. Nobody likes to be around miserable people. I certainly don't and when I think about how I'm turning into that person, how I already am that person sometimes, well, I don't know. It's upsetting.
So I did a lot of thinking yesterday and part of this morning, and I feel better. I don't feel so bitter. I just kept thinking that, I'm only 26, I have a lot of life yet to live. Sure, I have this problem, this weight problem, but nobody's going to do anything about it for me. Only me. Other people's encouragement is nice, but it won't always be there. And I shouldn't let it dictate how I feel for the day. Hard, when you find out the world doesn't revolve around you, isn't it?
So, yay me! I'm still doing it. I'm awesome and everyone should know it. Back down to 336 this morning, just like I thought I would be. That's 41 pounds(for real this time, lol). It is only a week until my brother comes up from Georgia and I know I set a goal of 45 pounds. I may or may not make it by then, but I'm ok if I don't. Over 40 pounds is still an accomplishment, one that I'd be proud to tell him. But I'm still going to try like the dickens to lose those last 4 this week. :)

And here I was, making myself out to be fatter than I really was

I've been operating under the assumption that I started out at 378 for quite a while now. But I really started at 377. Yea I know, a pound, big whoop, but it makes a difference to me in my head. And when I tell people how much I've lost. Because I like to be exact when I do say it. I'm sure I was 378 at one time or another before I made my first weigh in official, but for all intents and purposes, it's 377. Not something I'm particularly proud of. I mean, it's out there. I've had this blog up for almost a year now. And I haven't told anyone, I mean anyone, in my off the computer real life, about it. It's embarrassing, you know? I'll tell them how much I've lost, but my actual weight? No way jose.
And on the subject of that, I'm down 2 pounds. 337 this morning. It was 336 on Monday and Tuesday, which I was quite happy about. But I'm sure today is one of those off days and I'll be back to 336 tomorrow. Which makes that 40 pounds. Bazam.
I've been arguing with Mike quite a bit lately and Monday he did something horrible to me. Which I'm not eager to discuss on here, but suffice to say it was enough to make me want to go off the deep end eating junk food. And guess what, I didn't. He can go fuck himself on that one. I don't know if he is trying to sabotage me because he sees that I'm actually serious this time or what. But it's unacceptable and has not made life easier around here. I'm not really sure where to turn to for support right now. It's a pretty lonely part of my life right now. My family does not have interest in what I'm doing. I write on here and it helps but only so much. I pull myself along so much, sometimes I just get tired and want to quit. I want to go get pizza and eat half of it by myself. Oh who am I kidding, I want to eat the whole fucking thing. I want to get a steak and cheese sub dripping with mayo, or go to mcdonalds and get 2 double cheeseburgers, extra onions, and don't forget the side of 2 mcchickens, extra mayo, just like I used to. I want to stuff my face with food until it hurts my stomach, and you know what? That's not fuckin NORMAL.

So here I am. I eat my healthy food every day. I weigh myself every day and sometimes I exercise. And it's working. For now. I wonder when the day comes and I binge like I just described. Because I'm afraid that will happen. For as long as I've been doing this, that thought has always been at the back of my mind. And I'm also afraid that if and when I do I will not be able to stop. Just like what happened last summer.  I don't want to do that again. I know I'm better than that.

That's such an unhappy picture. I look at it and feel like it represents who I was, who I shouldn't be, who I might still be. Because for all the work I've put in so far, I'm still obese. I'd welcome any thoughts on keeping motivated. Or trying to keep the fat junkies out of my head. I'm open for anything.

My beer, my beer, why hast thou forsaken me?

Ugh. I have not had the best of days. Suffice to say, I spent a good amount of time becoming better acquainted with whatever bathroom happened to be at hand today. I believe it had something to with the beer I had last night. A single beer at that! So wtf! I realize I haven't had a drink in some time, but come on! It's the only thing I can think of becuase other than that my diet has not changed. Sucks. I got 11 left out of that 12 pack too. I mean, it's kinda funny, but still sucks. So that's that.
I've been holding steady at 339 these past few days. Kinda frustrating but then I just remind myself I was frustrated when I was stuck at the 353/352 and I eventually broke through that. So I'll break thru this too, just might take a few more days.
Mike and I went and visited both our familys today and I pretty proud to say I ate fairly well all day. I packed some snacks for the afternoon before we left. He made a spaghetti and meatball dish for lunch at his moms. We brought the food, which was turkey meatballs, classico sauce, and multigrain plus pasta. So I knew that was all healthy. I measured all my portions out and everything went great. I ate my snacks in the afternoon when we went car shopping. When we hit my moms house for dinner I ate a bit more but still kept it under control. I had a salad w/ feta cheese, some olives, and a spritz of vinaigrette. Half a grilled chicken breast, a small slice of steak, about a cup of baked plain veggies, about a cup of potato salad and a seltzer water. Then I had a small piece of chocolate cake, maybe 2 square inches, and some cool whip. It was a nice feeling sated but not stuffed.
Oh we also went fishing today, but I don't really want to talk about that. I didn't catch anything, lol :)
All in all, I've been on track with eating and I've been feeling pretty good. I'm sad this weekend is already over, went by sooooo fast and now it's back to the grind tomorrow. No exercise lately, so that's something I need to do more of this week. Been thinking about buying a bicycle. Hmm, maybe I should just do it already. I do enjoy bike riding.
Night peeps.

Pumpkin isn't just for pie

Well, after I came home this morning from dropping Mike off I had some free time to kill. I started thinking about the several cans of pumpkin I have in my stockpile downstairs and did a little research to find some yummy recipes. Because of course, as we all know, pumpkin is super healthy and should be utilized as such. :)
I found one recipe I thought I would try , mostly because I hadn't really eaten breakfast yet and I was hungry.
Pumpkin Cranberry Muffins

I found this recipe on the cooking light website and make a few tweaks of my own. I also doubled the recipe and was quite pleased to find buttermilk in it, because I just so happened to have some leftover from the potato leek soup this past weekend.

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (about 6 3/4 ounces) I used a mix of half white, half whole wheat flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon ground ginger instead of the ginger, cloves, and cinnamon i used 2.5 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder oops accidentally forgot this 
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 cup granulated sugar i used a combo of half splenda, half sucanat(also known as evaporated cane juice) but you could use all splenda or stevia or whatever you want
• 1 cup canned pumpkin yum
• 1/2 cup low-fat buttermilk yay its all gone from my fridge
• 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar 
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 large egg
• 2/3 cup sweetened dried cranberries, chopped (such as Craisins) used craisins in cherry juice, raisins would work too
• Cooking spray 

  Cook as directed, 20-25 mins in a 375 degree oven. I baked mine for the 25 mins as mentioned  by cooking light, but I think it could actually have been better at 20 mins. Another step I failed to follow in the recipe was to spray the paper cups with cooking spray. :) My muffins smelled and tasted great but were horrible to peel out of the cups. That'll show me for not reading all the directions.

In any case, definitely a keeper. The cooking light version has 199 calories, 3.2 grams fat, and 41 carbs per muffin. My version, using sparkpeople's recipe analyzer, has 150 calories, 3.1 grams fat, and 29 carbs per muffin.
I ate 2 before I had to stop myself and put them away. :)

In other news, I actually weighed in yesterday at 338, yay me! but then was back to 339 today. It's all good. I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday with Mike as well, finished in just under 48 mins. It's a little better than last time, 50 mins. We're planning on going fishing this weekend, supposed to be better weather than all this rain mess. I also made a new goal with Mike. I told him that when I lose 50 pounds we're going mini golfing. And not one of those lame courses either. I want pools and caves and hills and everything. Since I am only 11 pounds away, I feel  pretty motivated. We don't get out to do fun stuff too often. I also made a shorter goal with myself. My brother is coming up to visit from Georgia in 2 weeks. I want to be able to tell him I've lost 45 pounds since the last time he saw me, a year ago. So that's 6 pounds away from where I am. I feel like it's an excellent short term goal. One that I can easily reach within 2 weeks. Wish me luck!

Really badass blog

Just want to pass along an awesome blog I love to visit. She posts tons of delicious recipes for the clean eating lifestyle. There is a lot of helpful information posted on her blog and she really does deserve more recognition. Take a peek, you won't be disappointed.
http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/

 

So it actually! said 338 this morning, and I thought to myself I should totally take a picture of that! But then when I went upstairs to grab the camera I also drank a bunch of water which obviously skewed it. But you know, maybe I was dehydrated, so I'm just going to record today's at 339. Yes I know my scale does point whatever the miniscule amount is after the main weight, but I don't count that ever. So, yay  me! That's 3 more pounds. That's almost 40 pounds lost! If anything, after this past weekend, I would've figured I would have gained but there ya go. On Saturday, my eating was spot on (until I decided to smoke a bowl and then I ate a bunch of spaghettios and bread and butter). Sunday I decided not to let that get me down, so I ate fairly well until I made a dinner for my family. I made potato leek soup, shephard's pie, and dessert shells with fruit and cool whip. Honestly I guess that wasn't too bad because it was only a bowl of soup w/ some crackers, I only took one serving of shephard's pie which I didn't finish, and 2 dessert shells with said berries and it was fat free cool whip. :) But then I did have a few candybars later that night. Soooo, apparently not enough to derail me on the scale.
So the only person I've told besides this blog how much I've been losing has been Mike. I was kinda hoping when I had my family over on Sunday that they might notice I've lost weight. But nothing. I almost thought about saying something (hello, I've lost almost 40 pounds, isn't something fucking obvious?) but then I didn't because it just doesn't feel real to me if I do. If I say nothing and nobody else says anything, maybe they don't notice. Or maybe they just don't feel like saying anything. But I feel like if I went the whole day without saying anything about it, while they haven't said anything, and then I do mention that yea, ok, I've lost this much weight. That any kind of recognition or compliment is just being fished for. Doesn't feel real, like oh yea, I guess you have, or something. Maybe I'm just being silly about that. But it's frustrating, you know? I've worked pretty hard at losing this much, at least eating wise. Was I that obese that it's going to take a lot more than 39 pounds to notice anything? I don't know. I have notices clothes getting looser, this morning I looked in the mirror and thought my face seemed to be a tiny bit thinner.
Anyways, there's not really a point to this, just throwing out some thoughts.

                                           So here's a picture of Boots, my dirty old boy cat. :)

                                       Remember I said I'd take a few pics of my route into work?

                                       These are from a few weeks ago, when we still had snow.

      Thank god it's finally becoming spring around here, although you can't find prettier outdoors than in NH. :)

                                                      Hope ya'll have a great healthy day :)

Some sort of happy heading.....I'll get back to you on that one

Feeling pretty great and I think it might have something to do with weighing 342 this morning! Yup, blew past 344 and I'm not looking back. I've been thinking about that number for so long that I haven't though much about what I'll do when I get past it. I don't know why it's been such a source of mental trepidation for me, besides being the lowest I got last summer. Or maybe that's just it. Either way, buh bye.
I did the biggest loser workout again on Monday and yesterday. I didn't do too much over the weekend, that workout on Friday really made me sore! Could be my imagination but the past two times it seemed to get a little easier. Not much, just a smidge. Still took breaks but I stuck with it thru the end. Ended up taking it downstairs to the basement(concrete floor), because jumping around on the creaky floor upstairs was driving me crazy. :)
Eating has been going pretty well, I haven't binged or eaten any junk lately. I've been toying with the idea of starting to count my calories. I don't do that now, just write what I eat in my food journal and eat mostly lean meats, carbs, lots of veggies, fruit and some dairy. Not really following any set plan. But when I was paging thru my calorie count book the other day I looked up sweet potatos. Which I eat a lot of. And it said a 4 oz serving was just about 100 calories. I eat pretty big potatos then, because mine usually weigh in around 10-12 oz. And that's a lot of calories for something I eat as a side or snack. So I started thinking about calorie counting. Maybe just for a few weeks. And start cutting my sweet potatos in half. :) Although I think I've been doing pretty good for not counting calories. 36 pounds, woot! Anywayyyyssss.
I got some new books over the weekend. The new eat clean diet cookbook 2 and the best of eating clean, or something like that. Both cookbooks, so hopefully you'll see some attempts at the recipes here soon. There's actually quite a few I'd like to try. I am very big into the eating clean scene, have been since I discovered Oxygen about 6 years ago. I'm a sucker for Tosca Reno and pretty much anything she puts out, (besides that awful pan g book, what the hell was she smoking?).
Anyway, I gotta go. We got 70+ degree weather here, first time since last fall and I need to get off my ass and go enjoy it. Till next time. :)

I am pretty damn out of shape

I did the biggest loser cardio max workout this morning and it kicked my ass. I only did the warm up, level 1, and the cool down which amounted to 30 minutes of jumping around self consciously on my creaky living room floor. Lol. Had to stop a few times to catch my breath and I didn't do all the moves like they did on the video, but I did keep moving around even when I couldn't keep up with the pace. Yup, pretty damn out of shape. But I feel great now and I'm glad I did it. This is really the first time I've specifically exercised since I started eating healthy again, before now I've just been losing weight by diet alone. Which by the way, am now down to 346 this morning. Wooooooo! I'm gonna have to come up with a new goal soon, I'm about to breeze past last year's low of 344. I've been feeling pretty good lately despite the lack of sleep. I really need to start going to bed earlier, this going to bed at midnight or later and waking up at 5:30 am and working all day is getting old. I should make that a new goal. :)
You know, I've been overweight my whole life and when I think about it I just can't really imagine being a normal healthy weight. I think that might have been one of the problems I've faced, and sometimes still face, because being overweight has become the norm for me. It's easier to give up on things because this is where I'm comfortable. I can't say to myself, look, this is so much better when you weigh 200 pounds less because I just can't imagine that. I hope, and plan, on reaching that goal. But sometimes I think it's easier for people who have been normal sized and then gotten obese because they know the feeling of being thin. I think another thing that frightens me of losing weight is the stretched out skin. My body has been this size for so long I worry that I'll be left with horrible saggy skin. And because plastic surgery is not a financially feasible option for me, there's not much I could do about it. But I guess I would still take that and be thin than have to deal with the body I have now for the rest of my life. So, onward the journey continues.
Well, best be off to go prepare my food for the day. I'm having delicious chicken sausages for lunch. Al fresco spinach feta chicken sausages, absolutely awesome, if anyone is so inclined to go try them! And I have some broccoli that needs to be used up. I'm missing my favorite yogurt lately, chobani, there's been some kind of crazy demand for them. And I'm having a hard time finding them in stores. So I've been eating up a lot of cottage cheese which I forgot how much I enjoy.

One more reason to stay away from fast food. :)

347 this morning. Must be doing something right. Noticed my jeans are getting looser. Awesome.

Me in all my morning glory :)

I am such an apple shape. Figured I would post some pics this morning because I haven't done it in a long time. And because I weighed in at 348 this morning. Kinda surprised about that one. :) I was naughty last night and ate a bunch of candy. Soooo, I'm 348. Let me think about that number for a minute. That's 30 pounds less than I weighed at my highest last May. Yay, 30 pounds again, yay. That's also 4 pounds away from my lowest last July. Yay, 4 pounds, yay. I'm not sure I really see much of a difference between these pics and and pics from 30 pounds ago. Let's see if I can find that infamous black and white dress pic.

Ahh, there we go. Hmm, I don't know. Maybe a little less puffy. Should be able to see something, for christ's sake, it's 30 damn pounds. Oh well, I wonder when I will start to see visible changes. Like obvious visible changes. :) I'm still glad those 30 pounds are gone though. So today's going to be a good day. Gonna go pack up all my healthy food so I'm not tempted by fast food on the road. Might make so chicken wraps for lunch. I have a long day at work today. Lots of driving. I'm so glad the weather is gorgeous out though. Should take my camera so I can snap pics of my drive to share with you guys. :) I definitely don't mind this work route because I go thru the mountains. It makes me anxious for summer because I want to go hiking and camping and all that other stuff again. Soon enough though. Hope ya'll enjoy the day and eat your veggies. :)

The old standby

Thought I would share what I'm eating for lunch today.

11.5 oz sweet potato, microwaved and plain
7.5 oz broiled chicken breast w/ some seasoning
9 oz steamed broccoli, plain

I like to eat this a lot, or variations of it. Sometimes it will be asparagus or maybe salmon or a serving of clean eating meatloaf. :) Sometimes I steam some summer squash and zucchini or bust out some brussel sprouts. It's a pretty clean meal and it's easy for me to whip up when I don't feel like thinking about what I'd like to eat. It keeps me very satisfied for hours too. Now if only I could eat this clean all the time eh?

Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

I kinda want to be a ninja. I mean, I know it's not a practical job and I'm not even sure you could get paid to do something like that but come on. Being a ninja would be awesome. Sweet ninja moves and nunchucks, not to mention killer clothes and secrecy surrounding every move. I'd be so baller if I was a ninja. I think what appeals to me most is freedom of movement. There's just so much....activity going on, it'd be hard to be a fat ninja. Guess that one's off the potential career list for now.
Been doing alright I spose since I last checked in. I smoked some more weed and ate kinda off plan for a few days and jacked up to 361 on 3-29. I gotta believe most of that was water weight though. I started eating better again and dropped like 7 of that in 2 days. Been eating consistently and weighed 352 this morning. Not bad. Finally broke thru that stagnant phase that was pissing me off couple weeks ago. I know it doesn't help when I smoke and get the munchies but I think I've been doing better with that lately. I've been trying to make conscious decisions even when I'm high not to eat junk food. I stocked the freezer with lots of lean cuisines and healthy choice meals. :) They're nice and quick to make and that is of utmost importance when you're on the munchie prowl.
In any case, I still feel like I'm doing pretty good and I'm happy with 352. I can't wait to break thru to the 340's again. I'm not that far off from my lowest of 344 last summer. A whole 8 pounds. Piece of cake. Mmmm cake. Just kidding. :)

I do what I need to do to get stuff done

Still plugging along over here. I weighed myself this morning and am actually semi pleased even though I gained. Because I didn't gain as much as I thought. I would say my eating has been so way off since my birthday it's not even cool and I figured I gained much more than I did. But the scale read 356 this morning. Not bad. Not awesome but not bad enough to make me depressed. I feel like I have been depressed for some months now. I've been taking st. john's wort since at least the beginning of the year. I don't know if it's helping or if I'm willing myself to be happier and not take such a negative approach to life. Could be both, could be neither. Some days I feel so bad it hurts and then so much negativity creeps into my mind about my life and how I'm not who I pictured myself to be. Sometimes I get so depressed and angry it makes me want to lose this weight even more. I resolve to work harder so I can stop being the fat girl with no ambition. I can't say that's necessarily the best way get motivation but that's how it turns out sometimes.
I just want to get back on track with this thing. I feel like this is the right time to do it but I just keep getting sidetracked. And yet I know that is just because I am not trying as hard as I should be. So I guess this is me saying, I need to do what I need to do to get stuff done. And that's what I'm gonna do. :) I'm going to take control of my life.

Stupid birthdays

Yesterday was my birthday. It sucked. I woke up too early after getting 4 hours of sleep to drop Mike off so I can use his truck. Because my truck doesn't work. Then I came home and fell asleep for a few more hours until I woke up and had to work practically all day. Then I had to deal with Mike being pissy because I wasn't there to pick him up because I was working. After I came home it was the silent treatment. So I made a cake, got high, and ate almost half the cake. It didn't help that I binged earlier at burger king on burgers and fries. It was a depressing day. Made even more depressing because last years birthday just as crappy as this years. So two years in a row. I haven't had a happy birthday in such a long time, years even. It just makes me mad because I at least made an effort for mike's birthday this year(and last years too) and he didn't even wish me happy birthday. And I don't know why I keep punishing myself with food because he's a crappy boyfriend.
Well anyway, I woke up this morning feeling like junk, which is to be expected. I have been eating fairly well lately, and that was a shitload of sugar and fat yesterday. I threw out the rest of the cake and made myself a healthy breakfast and lunch today. I want to put yesterday behind me and continue eating right. Why couldn't I have been born a normal weight person who doesn't have to deal with these stupid issues? None of my brothers have these issues. I just want to lead a healthy life.

Oh cheesecake, my super delicious downfall

Yes I ate some. And not just one piece (facepalm), but two. I saw it in the store, I wanted it, and I bought it and ate it as fast as I could in the parking lot. It was such a completely mindless thing and I don't feel regret. Should I? Yea I probably should. It wasn't even awesome tasting as far as cheesecakes go. It was so so and I did have a fleeting thought as I finished the the first piece that I should just dump the other piece but like I said, totally mindless. I would say that the only saving grace about the situation was that I ate completely healthy all of yesterday, save for the late night binge of mediocre cheesecake.
Maybe it's because I'm getting a tit frustrated about my stalling weight loss. I don't know. I haven't really been delving much into my mind-food psyche. I weighed 354 this morning. I don't have my food journal in front of me at this exact moment but I know I've been pretty much sitting between 354 and 355 for awhile now.
Sometimes I sit and think about how nice it would be if I was somewhere where somebody else would figure out the task of making all my healthy meals and making me eat them. And only them. And making me work out when I have to. How easy it would be. And then I get hungry and reality sets in and I eat the same things over and over because I know it's healthy for me. I guess I don't mind that part too much. I like eating healthy foods because I know if I eat chicken breast, sweet potatos, and asparagus I can eat until I'm full. The harder part is when I have to eat something that's out of my control, like something someone else makes. That I don't know how they prepare it or even if it's not that good for me. Not as nutrient dense as I'm used to. It's more difficult then because then I can't eat as much and I don't get full and my day gets thrown off.
Ok, I guess that's a little rambly. I'm still trying to get the eating under control. Because it's the only thing I've got going on right now. I don't exercise and I know that shouldn't be hindering the scale. Because I lost 34 pounds last summer by just eating right. And although I'm in a much better place now than I was even just a few months ago, the eating is still being a bitch to get down.
Anyway, I have to go make my food for the day because I still need to go work. And hit Rite Aid. :)
Hope everyone enjoys this gorgeous day.

Bad mojo! Bad!

I think I found my mojo again. It's been so long since I lost it I was afraid it would never come back. It feels like the past 4 months have been a blur and several things have pushed me back to where I belong. I'm glad I didn't give up on myself. When it felt like everyone else did I would come back here and reread my posts. And I knew I would get back on the horse someday. And boy did I pretty much give up these past months. I gained basically everything back. I hit 370 and it's like I just couldn't do it anymore. There was a lot of mental bitch slapping going on. So it's been a few weeks and now I'm back down to 355. I like the path I'm on. It's feels right. It doesn't feel my last post (where I probably could've used a mental bitch slap). 
So yea, I think that's a good start. Still have to work today and this post is really me just kinda fuckin off on that one, so I'll update the rest later.
Yea, it feels right again.