Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I do what I need to do to get stuff done

Still plugging along over here. I weighed myself this morning and am actually semi pleased even though I gained. Because I didn't gain as much as I thought. I would say my eating has been so way off since my birthday it's not even cool and I figured I gained much more than I did. But the scale read 356 this morning. Not bad. Not awesome but not bad enough to make me depressed. I feel like I have been depressed for some months now. I've been taking st. john's wort since at least the beginning of the year. I don't know if it's helping or if I'm willing myself to be happier and not take such a negative approach to life. Could be both, could be neither. Some days I feel so bad it hurts and then so much negativity creeps into my mind about my life and how I'm not who I pictured myself to be. Sometimes I get so depressed and angry it makes me want to lose this weight even more. I resolve to work harder so I can stop being the fat girl with no ambition. I can't say that's necessarily the best way get motivation but that's how it turns out sometimes.
I just want to get back on track with this thing. I feel like this is the right time to do it but I just keep getting sidetracked. And yet I know that is just because I am not trying as hard as I should be. So I guess this is me saying, I need to do what I need to do to get stuff done. And that's what I'm gonna do. :) I'm going to take control of my life.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Stupid birthdays

Yesterday was my birthday. It sucked. I woke up too early after getting 4 hours of sleep to drop Mike off so I can use his truck. Because my truck doesn't work. Then I came home and fell asleep for a few more hours until I woke up and had to work practically all day. Then I had to deal with Mike being pissy because I wasn't there to pick him up because I was working. After I came home it was the silent treatment. So I made a cake, got high, and ate almost half the cake. It didn't help that I binged earlier at burger king on burgers and fries. It was a depressing day. Made even more depressing because last years birthday just as crappy as this years. So two years in a row. I haven't had a happy birthday in such a long time, years even. It just makes me mad because I at least made an effort for mike's birthday this year(and last years too) and he didn't even wish me happy birthday. And I don't know why I keep punishing myself with food because he's a crappy boyfriend.
Well anyway, I woke up this morning feeling like junk, which is to be expected. I have been eating fairly well lately, and that was a shitload of sugar and fat yesterday. I threw out the rest of the cake and made myself a healthy breakfast and lunch today. I want to put yesterday behind me and continue eating right. Why couldn't I have been born a normal weight person who doesn't have to deal with these stupid issues? None of my brothers have these issues. I just want to lead a healthy life.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oh cheesecake, my super delicious downfall

Yes I ate some. And not just one piece (facepalm), but two. I saw it in the store, I wanted it, and I bought it and ate it as fast as I could in the parking lot. It was such a completely mindless thing and I don't feel regret. Should I? Yea I probably should. It wasn't even awesome tasting as far as cheesecakes go. It was so so and I did have a fleeting thought as I finished the the first piece that I should just dump the other piece but like I said, totally mindless. I would say that the only saving grace about the situation was that I ate completely healthy all of yesterday, save for the late night binge of mediocre cheesecake.
Maybe it's because I'm getting a tit frustrated about my stalling weight loss. I don't know. I haven't really been delving much into my mind-food psyche. I weighed 354 this morning. I don't have my food journal in front of me at this exact moment but I know I've been pretty much sitting between 354 and 355 for awhile now.
Sometimes I sit and think about how nice it would be if I was somewhere where somebody else would figure out the task of making all my healthy meals and making me eat them. And only them. And making me work out when I have to. How easy it would be. And then I get hungry and reality sets in and I eat the same things over and over because I know it's healthy for me. I guess I don't mind that part too much. I like eating healthy foods because I know if I eat chicken breast, sweet potatos, and asparagus I can eat until I'm full. The harder part is when I have to eat something that's out of my control, like something someone else makes. That I don't know how they prepare it or even if it's not that good for me. Not as nutrient dense as I'm used to. It's more difficult then because then I can't eat as much and I don't get full and my day gets thrown off.
Ok, I guess that's a little rambly. I'm still trying to get the eating under control. Because it's the only thing I've got going on right now. I don't exercise and I know that shouldn't be hindering the scale. Because I lost 34 pounds last summer by just eating right. And although I'm in a much better place now than I was even just a few months ago, the eating is still being a bitch to get down.
Anyway, I have to go make my food for the day because I still need to go work. And hit Rite Aid. :)
Hope everyone enjoys this gorgeous day.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bad mojo! Bad!

I think I found my mojo again. It's been so long since I lost it I was afraid it would never come back. It feels like the past 4 months have been a blur and several things have pushed me back to where I belong. I'm glad I didn't give up on myself. When it felt like everyone else did I would come back here and reread my posts. And I knew I would get back on the horse someday. And boy did I pretty much give up these past months. I gained basically everything back. I hit 370 and it's like I just couldn't do it anymore. There was a lot of mental bitch slapping going on. So it's been a few weeks and now I'm back down to 355. I like the path I'm on. It's feels right. It doesn't feel my last post (where I probably could've used a mental bitch slap). 
So yea, I think that's a good start. Still have to work today and this post is really me just kinda fuckin off on that one, so I'll update the rest later.
Yea, it feels right again.