I broke up with Mike. Which can be and still is extremely stressful in light of the fact that we still live together. There is a lot going on with that whole.....situation that I don't really want to get in depth with right now. Suffice to say, that has certainly not helped with my self esteem and general mental health. Not that I'm entirely unhappy now, don't get me wrong. It feels like a load has been taken off me now that I am unattached.
I'm grateful to the people who do update their blogs consistently, it helps when I read others struggles and triumphs. I spent last night looking at photos of myself from the past year or so. There have not been many pictures of me this year at all. I have avoided the camera with a vengeance and for good reason. I looked at these pictures, some from my trip to Florida last year, some from another trip up north last fall, and it feels like I'm looking at someone I don't know. You know how anorexics will look at themselves and see nothing but an obese person? I feel like I'm the opposite. I AM obese. But I look at myself in the mirror and just don't see how bad it is. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the sad and frustrated overweight person looking back at me. But most of the time, even though I see how I'm overweight, I just don't think it's that bad.
Then I look at pictures of myself, and I see it. There's no way I can miss it. How can I look in the mirror and see one thing and then take a picture and see something entirely different? Self image is a tricky little fucker.
Florida trip, at least 377 probably more. I am not much below that right now.
Another one, just a day after the first. It was my face that really made me stop and just go, wtf. Seriously. What the fuck.
I don't know. I can't keep doing this. So welcome back to me, let's get the ball rolling this week. :)
I understand so much of this, and my heart aches for you - for your relationship, and for your struggles. I completely understand how hard it is to feel like you're at the bottom of an incredibly high mountain, and to be totally overwhelmed by the idea of having to climb not only to the top, but make it safely down the other side as well. It seems insurmountable, but you have to have faith in yourself and your ability to survive the trek - it is NOT easy, but you ARE worth it. When I was getting started, it was so tough - not only did I have poor physical health, but horrible self-esteem. I think the key to success with long-term and 100+ lb. weight loss is making sure that you exercise your mind as much as your body - that you take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. <3 Cheering for you, always!
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