Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why does it seem so hard to take the first step?

It's not like I don't know how to do it. It's not like I haven't done it before. So why does it seem like this great invisible barrier is knocking me on my ass everytime I try to break this cycle? I know I haven't posted in a long time, almost 3 and a half months! I have been struggling that entire time with making the right choices that I should be making. I have gained back almost all the weight I have ever lost. I am floating between 361 and 368 lately. Not many of my clothes fit correctly now and I only have myself to blame. So what else can I tell you while I'm on this pity train.
I broke up with Mike. Which can be and still is extremely stressful in light of the fact that we still live together. There is a lot going on with that whole.....situation that I don't really want to get in depth with right now. Suffice to say, that has certainly not helped with my self esteem and general mental health. Not that I'm entirely unhappy now, don't get me wrong. It feels like a load has been taken off me now that I am unattached.
I'm grateful to the people who do update their blogs consistently, it helps when I read others struggles and triumphs. I spent last night looking at photos of myself from the past year or so. There have not been many pictures of me this year at all. I have avoided the camera with a vengeance and for good reason. I looked at these pictures, some from my trip to Florida last year, some from another trip up north last fall, and it feels like I'm looking at someone I don't know. You know how anorexics will look at themselves and see nothing but an obese person? I feel like I'm the opposite. I AM obese. But I look at myself in the mirror and just don't see how bad it is. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the sad and frustrated overweight person looking back at me. But most of the time, even though I see how I'm overweight, I just don't think it's that bad.
Then I look at pictures of myself, and I see it. There's no way I can miss it. How can I look in the mirror and see one thing and then take a picture and see something entirely different? Self image is a tricky little fucker.

Florida trip, at least 377 probably more. I am not much below that right now.

Another one, just a day after the first. It was my face that really made me stop and just go, wtf. Seriously. What the fuck.

Kinda self explanatory.

Anyways, I'm just pointing this out. I feel like I hide a lot of how I feel and issues related to my weight. I hate, hate, hate letting people know I am trying to lose weight. I don't know why. It's not like they don't know I'm fat, lol. It just bothers me and I guess it shouldn't so much. When I look at these pictures I understand the times Mike told me he wasn't attracted to me. I wouldn't be attracted to me. I would look at me and think, oh great, another fat person. Awesome huh? A fatty hating on other fatties.
I don't know. I can't keep doing this. So welcome back to me, let's get the ball rolling this week. :)


  1. I understand so much of this, and my heart aches for you - for your relationship, and for your struggles. I completely understand how hard it is to feel like you're at the bottom of an incredibly high mountain, and to be totally overwhelmed by the idea of having to climb not only to the top, but make it safely down the other side as well. It seems insurmountable, but you have to have faith in yourself and your ability to survive the trek - it is NOT easy, but you ARE worth it. When I was getting started, it was so tough - not only did I have poor physical health, but horrible self-esteem. I think the key to success with long-term and 100+ lb. weight loss is making sure that you exercise your mind as much as your body - that you take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. <3 Cheering for you, always!

  2. Sometimes our bodies are able to do amazing transformations! You just have to make regular actions directed for that and never stop on your way. For me physical activity works best. In order to recover properly after my workouts I am taking Second Wind by Military Grade. This is new vegetarian post-workout supplement which increases muscles longevity. It helps muscles to recover quickly and reduces the soreness. My body is grateful and willing to exercise whenever I ask it to :)