Wednesday, May 11, 2011

And here I was, making myself out to be fatter than I really was

I've been operating under the assumption that I started out at 378 for quite a while now. But I really started at 377. Yea I know, a pound, big whoop, but it makes a difference to me in my head. And when I tell people how much I've lost. Because I like to be exact when I do say it. I'm sure I was 378 at one time or another before I made my first weigh in official, but for all intents and purposes, it's 377. Not something I'm particularly proud of. I mean, it's out there. I've had this blog up for almost a year now. And I haven't told anyone, I mean anyone, in my off the computer real life, about it. It's embarrassing, you know? I'll tell them how much I've lost, but my actual weight? No way jose.
And on the subject of that, I'm down 2 pounds. 337 this morning. It was 336 on Monday and Tuesday, which I was quite happy about. But I'm sure today is one of those off days and I'll be back to 336 tomorrow. Which makes that 40 pounds. Bazam.
I've been arguing with Mike quite a bit lately and Monday he did something horrible to me. Which I'm not eager to discuss on here, but suffice to say it was enough to make me want to go off the deep end eating junk food. And guess what, I didn't. He can go fuck himself on that one. I don't know if he is trying to sabotage me because he sees that I'm actually serious this time or what. But it's unacceptable and has not made life easier around here. I'm not really sure where to turn to for support right now. It's a pretty lonely part of my life right now. My family does not have interest in what I'm doing. I write on here and it helps but only so much. I pull myself along so much, sometimes I just get tired and want to quit. I want to go get pizza and eat half of it by myself. Oh who am I kidding, I want to eat the whole fucking thing. I want to get a steak and cheese sub dripping with mayo, or go to mcdonalds and get 2 double cheeseburgers, extra onions, and don't forget the side of 2 mcchickens, extra mayo, just like I used to. I want to stuff my face with food until it hurts my stomach, and you know what? That's not fuckin NORMAL.

So here I am. I eat my healthy food every day. I weigh myself every day and sometimes I exercise. And it's working. For now. I wonder when the day comes and I binge like I just described. Because I'm afraid that will happen. For as long as I've been doing this, that thought has always been at the back of my mind. And I'm also afraid that if and when I do I will not be able to stop. Just like what happened last summer.  I don't want to do that again. I know I'm better than that.

That's such an unhappy picture. I look at it and feel like it represents who I was, who I shouldn't be, who I might still be. Because for all the work I've put in so far, I'm still obese. I'd welcome any thoughts on keeping motivated. Or trying to keep the fat junkies out of my head. I'm open for anything.

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely ache with understanding for everything you wrote here. It's so hard to do the right thing when the easy thing gives us so much more satisfaction - what's important to remember is that the satisfaction that comes from fast-food and binge eating is only pleasing in the short-term. It reminds me of a quote by Geneen Roth from her book "Women Food and God":

    "During the first few bites, and before we get dazed by overeating, everything we want is possible. Everything we've lost is here now. And so we settle for the concrete version of our lost selves in the form of food. And once food has become synonymous with goodness or love or fulfillment, we cannot help but choose it, no matter how high the stakes are. No matter if our doctor tells us that we won't live another month at this weight. Because when we are lost, when we are homeless, when we've spent years separated from who we are, threats of failed hearts or joint pressure don't move us. Dying does not frighten those who are already half dead."

    (I highly recommend the book if you have not read it - the God parts are vaguely defined as whatever powers you believe in, and it mostly deals with our relationships with food vs. our relationships with ourselves/others.)

    When I started, I wanted to lose 210 pounds and live a healthier life. I've lost 136 pounds so far, and I'd be lying if I said I never get the urge to eat junk food. That said, though, the urges do become less frequent and you develop a feeling of control over them as you work towards your goals. I found that as I ate better, I felt better, and even though I love chicken sandwiches, I always felt lousy after eating them. I don't feel guilty after I eat well or after I have a great workout - and that's reason enough for me to keep on my path to wellness.

    I'm rooting for you, sincerely. I know how tough it is, especially when it feels like the top of the mountain is so far away, let alone the other side. It can be done, though, I promise, and there is nothing more rewarding than knowing you're accomplishing something so good for you.