Damnit

So the wedding on Sunday was very nice. It was fun and I even got Mike to dance with me, although it took a lot of coaxing. He is so not the dancing type but I know he had fun. :) I did end up drinking 3 newcastles but the food was actually very light, which was nice. I had a few appetizers, lamb and some salmon on crackers. Then a glass of lemonade. The lunch was salad, corn on the cob, rice pilaf, and 3 different kebobs. Shrimp, chicken and beef with vegetables. I tried a small slice of cake but didn't eat the frosting. I suppose it would have been alright if it had just been that all day, but I don't know. I didn't write anything down in my food journal since breakfast that morning, and I think I just figured I could cheat a bit for the day. Bad idea.

I ate very off plan after we got home last night. Lots of junk and I drank some more lemonade which was very sugary. And then this morning I ate a normal breakfast, yogurt and granola. Lunch was soup and sandwich. And then I just went off plan again. I made myself turkey burgers for dinner, which was alright, but I put 2 slices of full fat cheese on them. And the I ate some of the shells and hamburg that his mom cooked. And then I ate even more of it. And drank 2 cokes. I didn't log a single thing in my journal today. I didn't eat a single fruit or vegetable today. I actually got a headache earlier and felt pretty tired today, which I'm sure was contributed by the high fat and sugar foods I've been eating. After eating so well, (well basically) for the past month, it makes me mad that I would just fall off like this. I know it happens. I know I should just pick myself up and continue where I left off. I know all this but I'm still afraid I'll wake up tomorrow and continue on this binge.
But you know what? I'm not going to let that happen. I weighed 355 yesterday, and all I keep doing is thinking about that number. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and whatever that number is, I'll just have to work with it. I can get through this hiccup. I am placing a goal of being under 350 by the end of July.

Yea. I can do that. I know I can. :)

That is a picture of me last May. Longer hair of course. It was actually taken at the top of a fire tower overlooking Rochester. I was terrified, I hate heights and that was an incredibly high tower. I was gripping that rail for dear life, lol.

But if I can do that, and actually I've made myself climb lots of high places, I can do this. It's all a matter of patience, will power and confidence.
Yay me, I'm all about the happy crap today huh? :)

Hitting the wall

It feels like I've been stuck for the past week or so. My weight fluctuates between 356 and 358. It's incredibly frustrating. I know I shouldn't expect big losses all the time, but it was easier to keep eating well when I saw the scale keep going down. Even right now I'm typing this and all I want to do is go into the kitchen and find something to eat. Something junky.
I need to prepare more of my own food instead of just grabbing things on the run. That's become a bit of a habit lately. It's easier for me to grab some chili from wendy's and a baked potato, than to cut up all my vegetables, fruits, and meats to take with me from home. Although it's not necessarily bad it's still not what I should be eating. Nobody said this would be easy. It's damn hard though!

I went to the farmer's market today. Picked up some gorgeous red chard as well as a round zucchini,(it was cute!) and some fresh garlic. I would have loved to get some peas but everyone had sold out by the time I got there. :( Next time I s'pose.

I'm going to a wedding this sunday, which means I need a new outfit. Not really looking foward to finding one, it'll probably take me forever to find something decent and cost me an arm and a leg. Why is it plus size clothing has to cost so much? Especially for something that doesn't look like you wearing a tent or comes in granny styles. Even more incentive for me to lose this weight. My wardrobe for the past couple years have consisted of t-shirts and jeans or shorts. Not exactly stylish. Anyway, that's my to do tomorrow. Or rather today, I am up pretty late. :)

When does.....

it stop being water weight and start being fat? That's what I've been wondering lately. And how would you really know anyway? I weighed in at 358 this morning. I'm still eating well and haven't given in to any of the bad cravings I get. Which have been bad, let me tell you.
I putzed around walmart the other night, I had to pick up new headlights and I was bored. This was a super walmart which means it had grocery and I was nibbly so I decided to find a snack. Not the best idea, but I was good. I did pick up a 4 pack of some fat free chocolate snack packs. That pudding really got to me. I was going to choose the sugar free kind, it had 10 less calories and no sugar than the fat free, so good right? Not.
The sugar free had an ingredient list that was crazy, so much processed junk and things I didn't even know what. The fat free was pretty simple, at least I knew what each of the ingredients were and there were relatively few. I also picked up some sugar snap peas to munch on the ride home and I had one pudding cup when I got home. I hadn't eaten chocolate in weeks so it tasted so good.

I don't follow any strict kind of eating plan. I try to eat unprocessed foods, lots of vegetables and fruit. I like starting out my day with fruit smoothies. Usually I throw in a couple different types of fruit, maybe a banana, 6-7 strawberries and 1/2 cup of orange juice. Or blueberries, kiwis, raspberries, or mango. Love mango. Then I top it with a scoop of protein powder, I like designer whey vanilla, it's only 100 calories a scoop. Some ice and I blend it all. Good mix of carbs and protein, plus I knock out some servings of fruit for the day.
I do weigh all my food and I have a food journal I write everything in, although I don't count calories. I've done that in the past, and I might have to do it in the future, when I hit plateaus. But not now, I'm trying to get a feel for what my body needs, plus if I want to it'd be easy because everything is written down.
I drink fruit and vegetable juices, milk, teas, and water. One of my favorite teas is honest tea, very lightly sweetened. I haven't been drinking beer, which is very hard. I've always loved my beer. :(  There's a new beer out, bud select 55, it only has 55 calories a bottle. I've thought about trying it, but I don't know. I drink beer because of flavor, not calories.

Yup.

Second Harvest

Well, I was gone for a few days and when I came back to the house I found these waiting for me! When I left only one of them looked like they were turning red and I'm sure Mike ate that one. They smell so sweet and delicious. mmmmm

I'm still eating on track here, in fact I hopped on the scale this morning and saw 358. So down a few more pounds. I'm glad to be out of the 360's. Hopefully I never see those numbers again.

I had an awful craving last night. I found out my work schedule has changed and I lost quite a few hours. I worry a bit about my job and it caught up with me. I was driving home and had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some veggies and things. I was a little hungry when I went in which made it worse. I started thinking about how I could just pick up a snack which turned into thinking about junk food. And then I started thinking about my job and I got really down on myself. Thoughts like I can eat something junky, I've been eating so well lately. And I deserve something because I'm pissed about my job. And would it really make a difference if I ate some bad stuff? Just for tonight? It was a little hard but I stuck to what I came in the store for, although I did splurge and get some bison meat. The thoughts didn't go away though even into the parking lot. I just felt so stressed and even thought about smoking when I got home. But then I thought that if I was high it's extremely difficult not to eat, especially not junk food, and that stuff is just all over the house. I think that's what stopped me, just the thought of bingeing out of control. And when I got home I made a bowl of 3 turkey meatballs and some sauce and I felt better.
It's hard fighting myself. I'm usually pretty good with my self control even when I have other people trying to shoot me down. I don't even think they realize it. Like the other day I was at my mom's house. She and my brother and I were in the kitchen and they were going on and on about how good these chips were that they were eating. They kept offering me to try them and I resisted, it actually wasn't that hard. But it's just being around it, it chips away at your self confidence. And then later I was sitting on the couch with my stepfather and he was asking me what kind of new diet plan I was on that would have me drinking a gallon of water a day. And this was because I had a gallon jug that I was drinking out of, which I buy simply because it's easier than buying multiple small bottles and cheaper, although by no means do I try to drink a gallon a day. At least not yet. :) But I felt like I had to defend it. Which is infuriating thinking about it now, because who's business is it if I want to drink a gallon of water a day or not. Leave me alone!

It feels a little better getting it out, at least there is this. Who else would I have to bitch about stupid things like that? Without feeling all whiney anyway. Anyways, have a good day people. :)

First Harvest!

Well, technically not the first, I ate a strawberry yesterday that had ripened. But still cool. Everything in the garden is coming along nicely and I'm happy. We are trying for a completely organic garden this year. Last year was mostly organic, I used miracle gro, which I'm not completely sure is organic. Anyway, it's doing well.

I've kept on track with eating well. I'm down to 362 today, which means I've lost 15 pounds since May 25th. I feel a bit better, not so bloated, so I think a good chunk of that was water weight, if not all of it.

This is previously said picture of me with my grandmother. I was happy in the picture and I love that dress, but seeing it after the fact just makes me ashamed. It was a surprise party for her and I know she was in shock from seeing so many people she hadn't seen in a long time. I don't think she truly recognized me for a good 10 minutes. I can even remember thinking that it must be because of how fat I've become.

I will lose this weight, it's hard and I don't have much support. But I do a lot of things on my own without help and I know I can do this. Hopefully down the road I will find some support and I'm sure that will help me. I think it's really hard to face what you've become when you become this overweight. Obese really. I've become morbidly obese, which I think I think is just an ugly term. I hate thinking that that is what I am, I've told myself for years that I was never THAT fat. There are always other people bigger than me. And it's no longer true. I think just because I'm mobile and have a life and don't let the weight keep me from doing things that I want, I ignored it. I ignored it for a long time. But the pictures tell a different story. I AM that fat person and it's heartbreaking. It's also starting to cause me some health problems which I also try to ignore. A few days ago I had chest pains for a good hour. I was by myself at home and contemplated going to the hospital. I ultimately decided not to and instead took a bunch of aspirin. Eventually the pains went away but it scares me to think what those pains might be. I've had them in the past and since I don't have insurance have never checked them out. Instead, I take aspirin and try not to think about it. I know, not the best solution. And that's just another part of why I need to get rid of this excess weight.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to change my diet. I eat so much vegetables it get tiring. I try to eat only lean meats, dairy and whole grains. It's hard sometimes being in the house and around my boyfriend because there is so much junk food lying around. He does not watch what he eats and he doesn't really need to because he is of a normal weight. Lucky.
Anyway today is beautiful, and I should really go enjoy it and get out from behind this computer. :)

Confuzzled

What the hell do you do with daikon? I swear, I found some at the grocery market for cheap, like 40 cents or something for this big white thing and I don't really know what to do with it. I'm roasting it now because I can't think of anything better to do with it. Kinda don't want to eat it raw, it doesn't really taste like anything. Tried looking on the internet for recipes and a lot came back for pickling it. Like I got the friggen time for that.

In another stupid me moment this morning, I was making a smoothie for breakfast and decided to throw in a plum I had kicking around. Forgetting that it had a pit in it and wondering why the blender was making bad noises. Ruined the whole thing and had to throw it out. Sigh.

My garden is doing well at least. Peas, watermelons, and cucumbers and still coming up. Hopefully my tomatos fare better than last years. I'm excited about the strawberries and herbs though. We're going to have so many strawberries soon, I can't wait.

The pic is me at the beginning of May holding the first bass I caught this year.