I don't know what the hell I'm doing to myself

But it needs to fuckin stop. That last post? Where I said I was going to quit it, to get back on track, stop fucking around. It didn't really happen. I halfheartedly started last week only to screw up later in the day and eat junk. I'm ashamed to say just how much I've been eating, nevermind the quality of food. Things like chocolates, beer, chips, lots of fast food, and just ridiculous amounts of food. It's like I can't get full enough. I am making myself sick. I have probably gained close to 12 pounds....in a week and a half!! I've noticed clothes that were getting loose are now getting snug. I feel puffy and stiff in the mornings. And I hate it. I don't know why I'm not getting it back to the way it was before. So that's my update. It sucks.

It happened

Well, I did it this weekend. I went off plan with my eating, not sure if it was because it's been on my mind so much or what. Did a lot of eating out, though I tried to be mindful of how much and how badly I was eating. Kinda stopped writing in my food journal too. Started out good today but then we went out to eat again, and I ate more than I probably should have. I weighed 335 this morning, so the damage isn't showing but I need to stop this path right now, or it will. I'm actually not feeling particularly bad, considering the range of foods I've eaten this weekend. So, I'm taking it all in stride and starting tomorrow as I normally do.
Still in the process of finding a car, we went to see several cars this past weekend. I'm hoping to find something I can buy outright, but damn does the used car market suck. Mike keeps suggesting getting financed for a new-ish car, and I'm starting to think maybe I should try. I've never had a car loan before though, and I'm not even sure I could qualify due to bad decisions I made when I was younger and have not fully cleared. I've got to get something though. I've been using Mike's truck for work since the beginning of February and I really just need to have my own car.
Almost bought a bike tonight. Seriously thinking about going back and buying it anyway. It didn't look too bad, I liked it, and it was on sale. Anyway I got to go to bed. Got to get up at the crack ass of dawn, dontcha know. :)

Feeling much better

It was a pretty rough day yesterday and it took me a long time to write yesterday's post. I kept thinking about my life, and my weight loss, and mike, and food, and my family, and everything else I deal with and I just kept getting mad. At everything. Life's not fair, so cliche, but true. The only person who's going to make it happen is me. No one else. I can either be this miserable self loathing person, because I have this problem to deal with or...I can deal with it and make the best of what I'm capable of right now. Nobody likes to be around miserable people. I certainly don't and when I think about how I'm turning into that person, how I already am that person sometimes, well, I don't know. It's upsetting.
So I did a lot of thinking yesterday and part of this morning, and I feel better. I don't feel so bitter. I just kept thinking that, I'm only 26, I have a lot of life yet to live. Sure, I have this problem, this weight problem, but nobody's going to do anything about it for me. Only me. Other people's encouragement is nice, but it won't always be there. And I shouldn't let it dictate how I feel for the day. Hard, when you find out the world doesn't revolve around you, isn't it?
So, yay me! I'm still doing it. I'm awesome and everyone should know it. Back down to 336 this morning, just like I thought I would be. That's 41 pounds(for real this time, lol). It is only a week until my brother comes up from Georgia and I know I set a goal of 45 pounds. I may or may not make it by then, but I'm ok if I don't. Over 40 pounds is still an accomplishment, one that I'd be proud to tell him. But I'm still going to try like the dickens to lose those last 4 this week. :)

And here I was, making myself out to be fatter than I really was

I've been operating under the assumption that I started out at 378 for quite a while now. But I really started at 377. Yea I know, a pound, big whoop, but it makes a difference to me in my head. And when I tell people how much I've lost. Because I like to be exact when I do say it. I'm sure I was 378 at one time or another before I made my first weigh in official, but for all intents and purposes, it's 377. Not something I'm particularly proud of. I mean, it's out there. I've had this blog up for almost a year now. And I haven't told anyone, I mean anyone, in my off the computer real life, about it. It's embarrassing, you know? I'll tell them how much I've lost, but my actual weight? No way jose.
And on the subject of that, I'm down 2 pounds. 337 this morning. It was 336 on Monday and Tuesday, which I was quite happy about. But I'm sure today is one of those off days and I'll be back to 336 tomorrow. Which makes that 40 pounds. Bazam.
I've been arguing with Mike quite a bit lately and Monday he did something horrible to me. Which I'm not eager to discuss on here, but suffice to say it was enough to make me want to go off the deep end eating junk food. And guess what, I didn't. He can go fuck himself on that one. I don't know if he is trying to sabotage me because he sees that I'm actually serious this time or what. But it's unacceptable and has not made life easier around here. I'm not really sure where to turn to for support right now. It's a pretty lonely part of my life right now. My family does not have interest in what I'm doing. I write on here and it helps but only so much. I pull myself along so much, sometimes I just get tired and want to quit. I want to go get pizza and eat half of it by myself. Oh who am I kidding, I want to eat the whole fucking thing. I want to get a steak and cheese sub dripping with mayo, or go to mcdonalds and get 2 double cheeseburgers, extra onions, and don't forget the side of 2 mcchickens, extra mayo, just like I used to. I want to stuff my face with food until it hurts my stomach, and you know what? That's not fuckin NORMAL.

So here I am. I eat my healthy food every day. I weigh myself every day and sometimes I exercise. And it's working. For now. I wonder when the day comes and I binge like I just described. Because I'm afraid that will happen. For as long as I've been doing this, that thought has always been at the back of my mind. And I'm also afraid that if and when I do I will not be able to stop. Just like what happened last summer.  I don't want to do that again. I know I'm better than that.

That's such an unhappy picture. I look at it and feel like it represents who I was, who I shouldn't be, who I might still be. Because for all the work I've put in so far, I'm still obese. I'd welcome any thoughts on keeping motivated. Or trying to keep the fat junkies out of my head. I'm open for anything.

My beer, my beer, why hast thou forsaken me?

Ugh. I have not had the best of days. Suffice to say, I spent a good amount of time becoming better acquainted with whatever bathroom happened to be at hand today. I believe it had something to with the beer I had last night. A single beer at that! So wtf! I realize I haven't had a drink in some time, but come on! It's the only thing I can think of becuase other than that my diet has not changed. Sucks. I got 11 left out of that 12 pack too. I mean, it's kinda funny, but still sucks. So that's that.
I've been holding steady at 339 these past few days. Kinda frustrating but then I just remind myself I was frustrated when I was stuck at the 353/352 and I eventually broke through that. So I'll break thru this too, just might take a few more days.
Mike and I went and visited both our familys today and I pretty proud to say I ate fairly well all day. I packed some snacks for the afternoon before we left. He made a spaghetti and meatball dish for lunch at his moms. We brought the food, which was turkey meatballs, classico sauce, and multigrain plus pasta. So I knew that was all healthy. I measured all my portions out and everything went great. I ate my snacks in the afternoon when we went car shopping. When we hit my moms house for dinner I ate a bit more but still kept it under control. I had a salad w/ feta cheese, some olives, and a spritz of vinaigrette. Half a grilled chicken breast, a small slice of steak, about a cup of baked plain veggies, about a cup of potato salad and a seltzer water. Then I had a small piece of chocolate cake, maybe 2 square inches, and some cool whip. It was a nice feeling sated but not stuffed.
Oh we also went fishing today, but I don't really want to talk about that. I didn't catch anything, lol :)
All in all, I've been on track with eating and I've been feeling pretty good. I'm sad this weekend is already over, went by sooooo fast and now it's back to the grind tomorrow. No exercise lately, so that's something I need to do more of this week. Been thinking about buying a bicycle. Hmm, maybe I should just do it already. I do enjoy bike riding.
Night peeps.

Pumpkin isn't just for pie

Well, after I came home this morning from dropping Mike off I had some free time to kill. I started thinking about the several cans of pumpkin I have in my stockpile downstairs and did a little research to find some yummy recipes. Because of course, as we all know, pumpkin is super healthy and should be utilized as such. :)
I found one recipe I thought I would try , mostly because I hadn't really eaten breakfast yet and I was hungry.
Pumpkin Cranberry Muffins

I found this recipe on the cooking light website and make a few tweaks of my own. I also doubled the recipe and was quite pleased to find buttermilk in it, because I just so happened to have some leftover from the potato leek soup this past weekend.

• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (about 6 3/4 ounces) I used a mix of half white, half whole wheat flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon ground ginger instead of the ginger, cloves, and cinnamon i used 2.5 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder oops accidentally forgot this 
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 cup granulated sugar i used a combo of half splenda, half sucanat(also known as evaporated cane juice) but you could use all splenda or stevia or whatever you want
• 1 cup canned pumpkin yum
• 1/2 cup low-fat buttermilk yay its all gone from my fridge
• 1/4 cup packed light brown sugar 
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 large egg
• 2/3 cup sweetened dried cranberries, chopped (such as Craisins) used craisins in cherry juice, raisins would work too
• Cooking spray 

  Cook as directed, 20-25 mins in a 375 degree oven. I baked mine for the 25 mins as mentioned  by cooking light, but I think it could actually have been better at 20 mins. Another step I failed to follow in the recipe was to spray the paper cups with cooking spray. :) My muffins smelled and tasted great but were horrible to peel out of the cups. That'll show me for not reading all the directions.

In any case, definitely a keeper. The cooking light version has 199 calories, 3.2 grams fat, and 41 carbs per muffin. My version, using sparkpeople's recipe analyzer, has 150 calories, 3.1 grams fat, and 29 carbs per muffin.
I ate 2 before I had to stop myself and put them away. :)

In other news, I actually weighed in yesterday at 338, yay me! but then was back to 339 today. It's all good. I went for a 2 mile walk yesterday with Mike as well, finished in just under 48 mins. It's a little better than last time, 50 mins. We're planning on going fishing this weekend, supposed to be better weather than all this rain mess. I also made a new goal with Mike. I told him that when I lose 50 pounds we're going mini golfing. And not one of those lame courses either. I want pools and caves and hills and everything. Since I am only 11 pounds away, I feel  pretty motivated. We don't get out to do fun stuff too often. I also made a shorter goal with myself. My brother is coming up to visit from Georgia in 2 weeks. I want to be able to tell him I've lost 45 pounds since the last time he saw me, a year ago. So that's 6 pounds away from where I am. I feel like it's an excellent short term goal. One that I can easily reach within 2 weeks. Wish me luck!

Really badass blog

Just want to pass along an awesome blog I love to visit. She posts tons of delicious recipes for the clean eating lifestyle. There is a lot of helpful information posted on her blog and she really does deserve more recognition. Take a peek, you won't be disappointed.
http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/

 

So it actually! said 338 this morning, and I thought to myself I should totally take a picture of that! But then when I went upstairs to grab the camera I also drank a bunch of water which obviously skewed it. But you know, maybe I was dehydrated, so I'm just going to record today's at 339. Yes I know my scale does point whatever the miniscule amount is after the main weight, but I don't count that ever. So, yay  me! That's 3 more pounds. That's almost 40 pounds lost! If anything, after this past weekend, I would've figured I would have gained but there ya go. On Saturday, my eating was spot on (until I decided to smoke a bowl and then I ate a bunch of spaghettios and bread and butter). Sunday I decided not to let that get me down, so I ate fairly well until I made a dinner for my family. I made potato leek soup, shephard's pie, and dessert shells with fruit and cool whip. Honestly I guess that wasn't too bad because it was only a bowl of soup w/ some crackers, I only took one serving of shephard's pie which I didn't finish, and 2 dessert shells with said berries and it was fat free cool whip. :) But then I did have a few candybars later that night. Soooo, apparently not enough to derail me on the scale.
So the only person I've told besides this blog how much I've been losing has been Mike. I was kinda hoping when I had my family over on Sunday that they might notice I've lost weight. But nothing. I almost thought about saying something (hello, I've lost almost 40 pounds, isn't something fucking obvious?) but then I didn't because it just doesn't feel real to me if I do. If I say nothing and nobody else says anything, maybe they don't notice. Or maybe they just don't feel like saying anything. But I feel like if I went the whole day without saying anything about it, while they haven't said anything, and then I do mention that yea, ok, I've lost this much weight. That any kind of recognition or compliment is just being fished for. Doesn't feel real, like oh yea, I guess you have, or something. Maybe I'm just being silly about that. But it's frustrating, you know? I've worked pretty hard at losing this much, at least eating wise. Was I that obese that it's going to take a lot more than 39 pounds to notice anything? I don't know. I have notices clothes getting looser, this morning I looked in the mirror and thought my face seemed to be a tiny bit thinner.
Anyways, there's not really a point to this, just throwing out some thoughts.

                                           So here's a picture of Boots, my dirty old boy cat. :)

                                       Remember I said I'd take a few pics of my route into work?

                                       These are from a few weeks ago, when we still had snow.

      Thank god it's finally becoming spring around here, although you can't find prettier outdoors than in NH. :)

                                                      Hope ya'll have a great healthy day :)